Grief: What People of Different Genders Can Learn from Each Other

Grief is a universal experience, yet it is often a deeply personal and individual process. People of different genders may experience grief differently and have unique ways of processing and coping with loss. While people of different genders can learn from each other in how they approach and navigate grief, it's important to recognize and respect the different ways they may experience it.

Research has shown that men and women may have different grief responses, and these differences can sometimes create misunderstandings and conflict. Each different lived experience comes along with its own unique challenges. Societal expectations often make it challenging for men to express their emotions and seek support when they are struggling with grief. According to research by Dr. Jason Holland, a counselor and author, "men often struggle with grief because they feel like they need to be strong and not show their emotions." However, suppressing emotions can lead to long-term negative effects. It's essential to recognize that it's okay to feel sad, angry, or lost and to seek support from loved ones or a mental health professional.

On the other hand, if you identify with the female lived experience, you may face unique societal expectations and roles, such as being the primary caregivers and emotional support for their families. Women may be more likely to seek social support from friends and family members to cope with their grief (Martin & Doka, 2000). Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a renowned psychiatrist and author, explains that "the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths." While emotional expression leads to decreased intensity of grief, overly focusing on thoughts associated with negative feelings may lead to rumination that may keep people stuck in grief (O’Connor, 2022). Sometimes it is more helpful to seek action. While societal expectations make grieving uniquely challenging for those of different genders, it is important to realize that people grieve as they feel fit, which may align with societal norms or contradict them.

Responses to grief differ. Some are instrumental grievers, while others are intuitive grievers. Instrumental grievers engage in problem-solving and action-oriented coping, while intuitive grievers use emotion-focused coping strategies. This can lead instrumental grievers to appear more "stoic" or less emotionally expressive in their grief compared to intuitive grievers. These differences can lead to a lack of understanding and empathy on both sides. Though, hope lies in what different grievers may learn from each other!

So what can we learn from each other to help us heal from grief? Here are some insights and strategies:
1) Acknowledge and validate each other's emotions: People may express their grief in different ways, but it's important to acknowledge and validate each other's emotions. Some people may not openly express their feelings, but they still need a safe space to talk about their grief and receive support. Care-givers, friends and loved ones, can help by creating a non-judgmental environment where grievers can open up without feeling ashamed or weak.

2) Use communication as a tool for healing: Open and honest communication is essential for healing from grief. Some people may benefit from learning how to communicate more directly and assertively, while others can learn to express their emotions in a healthy way different than destructive anger. By communicating openly, both all people can better understand each other's needs and provide the support and comfort necessary to heal.

3) Embrace different coping mechanisms: Different people may have different coping mechanisms for dealing with grief. Some people may be more likely to seek emotional support and express their feelings through writing or art, while others may turn to physical activities or problem-solving to cope. By recognizing and accepting these differences, both all people can learn from each other's strengths and find healthy ways to cope.

4) Seek professional help if needed: Sometimes, the grief process can become overwhelming and difficult to manage on your own. Seeking the help of a therapist or grief counselor can provide valuable support and guidance in navigating the grieving process.

In the end, it is important to remember that everyone wants to feel worthy, helpful, brave and as if they are “enough” (Brown, 2013) whether helping in tough situations or having space to feel and understand themselves. The most important thing is to recognize and respect the different ways people may experience and cope with grief. Each person can has different tools for grief that everyone can learn from to add to their grief tool-kit. The more tools we all have, the more flexibly we can approach grief and avoid feeling that it needs to be done in one certain way. By learning from each other and supporting one another, we can move through the grieving process together and find healing.

An Invitation to You as Our Reader

As noted in the beginning grief is complex and can be a largely individual process. The focus in this article was on the different societal expectations pushed on both men and women, as well as how those of different genders can learn from each other and help heal each other. It should be noted however, that people are complex. We acknowledge that non-binary individuals may not have the same experiences noted here. This article only scratches the surface on the lived experience of human grief and attempts to provide perspectives around the topic and invite new complexities from you as readers. If you have different experiences, please email us and share your perspective. The greater our knowledge, the more people can feel included and helped.

Research:

Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly: how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Center Point large print ed. Thorndike, Me., Center Point Large Print.

Holland, J. M. (2015). Counseling men: A guide for helping professionals. Routledge.

Kubler-Ross, E. (2005). On death and dying. Routledge.

Martin, T. L., & Doka, K. J. (2000). Men don't cry...women do: Transcending gender stereotypes of grief. Philadelphia: Brunner/Mazel.

O'Connor, M. (2022). The grieving brain: new discoveries about love, loss, and learning (First edition.). HarperOne.